Where To Go From Here???

Well if you are able to read this then you already know the truth about me and my family. So how do you forgive someone who lied to you for 23 years about who your father is and has no regret about it?

I feel as if she believes that it is completely okay. I remember growing up when I was told if you tell the truth then you won't get in as much trouble, the same thing that she tells my kids now. Well Mom where in the hell was all that truth that you were talking about for 23 years. Can you say BULLSHIT...There is something that annoys each and every one of us, something that can not be forgiven no matter what the person does or says to make it better. For some it is lying, cheating, being two faced, or whatever else just gets inside of your skin and can't get out. For me this item that can not be forgiven is simple, it is hypocrites. If you tell me not to do something my whole life and that if I do then I will get in more trouble, lose those that are close to me or (insert whatever here) then make sure you are not actively lying every time you open your mouth. And no matter what you believe, not telling the whole truth, IS LYING.

My father died this week in a tragic unforeseeable manner, and you have the fucking nerve to ask me what has been wrong with me all week.

You get upset when I state that you should not come down on a seven year old for feeling worse or better on a daily basis and when i say you are sick every other day. Well sorry but that is what her NANA has taught her that you can feel fine when you want to do something and then get sick ten minutes later when something needs to be done. Even those that are not that close to you see it. I asked a friend of mine who knows my family just out of the blue how many times you had been in the hospital in the past year and he stated3-4 that he could think of off the top of his head, and this is a guy who can not tell you what he did yesterday most of the time. Now take for granted this is not someone that ANY of us talk to all the time just a average friend of the family. Your answer to everything is your having chest pain, well here is an EMT"s opinion. Get the hell off of Xanax you want less money problems become a dealer and sell what you take in an average week and you could easily make 400-500 dollars. Would this look good with your husband being the DA's investigator, probably not but hell everyone wonders how the investigator is married to a pill head who finds reasons to stress out to OD anyway.

I can not handle people who can not handle life as an adult. If you are an alcoholic who wakes up every morning and gets a beer, then oh well that is your bad. BUT if you are one of the alcoholics or pill heads whose addiction is completely based off of the world around you then YOU NEED HELP. It is called REHAB it is where people go that can not take the stress of an everyday life without needing some kind of fix. Whether it be meth, pot, alcohol, or pills (especially narcotics or benzo's) hello this is the same class of drugs that we give people on the ambulances to give them retro grade amnesia or to knock them down to stop fighting us. So if it makes you feel better to tell yourself that you have to take these in order to make it then that is fine just don't look at me whenever your grand kids start to notice that you drool and mumble more and more everyday especially at night after your fix. It has been an ongoing joke and idea to video record you one night when you are stoned out of your mind and show you the next day. But what would it accomplish you would come up with some medical reason that you needed to be that way and your husband would back you. Well God forbid you leave this world before him I hope they don't do an autopsy and find out that you had enough meds in your system to be the Rx for a small third world country. I am sure this would do wonders for the careers of those who stand behind you. I can assure you I for one do not stand behind you.

It is amazing that someone who daily risks there life and limb daily for the community can instantly be ruled "suicide" by the media without a thought and without the facts. When there are those who risk death every time they take enough meds to kill some druggies and it be ruled an accidental overdose when they perish, as I am sure it will be when some close to me move on.

I am so tired of all of this. I found my true family over the past week they are the people in all shades of blue who repeatedly stated "We are here for you and sorry for your loss. We wish we could have told you sooner but it was not our place". Those are the people I will rely on the rest of my life. It is amazing how one death can make you lose so much more than just one life. I was just beginning to get to know him well. Now all I have are the stories of those who are close to me to show me what kind of man he was. I have been told by you repeatedly that I am just like my dad(Ivan), Funny thing is that everyone in my true family of blue tells me I am becoming more like my father everyday, and I could not be happier. I got a hug the other day after a bad wreck from someone who stated that he would be proud looking down on my demeanor on the scene. The same accident I had someone else state that it was funny to have a different Steve looking over his shoulder stating lets do it this way.

The only great thing that came out of this week is I gained a sister Nikki who wants to start hanging out and getting to know one another better. She states that when she looks at me,my personality, and now my career choice all she sees is him and truth be told I could not ever receive a greater complement. I also gained a brother John Davis a great friend of my fathers, a man who wants to get to know me and my children and be part of their lives. He was the last person to get to talk to my father I know how that must eat him up inside, and he knows that he knew my father better than me and how that must make me feel it looks as if it will be a great friendship.

I thank those who's thoughts and prayers were truly with me you are the best family I could ever ask for. Especially seeing as right now I have four:
The Pearces from whom I have most always been an outcast from all but one aunt and uncle and their kids.
The Taylors whom believe that it should not bother me since he was not part of my life because of my moms decision.
The Wheelers most of whom do not know me for who I truly am.
and The family of Blue the ones who will always be there for me no matter what.

As of right now it has been 2 days without my Mom and I speaking a word to one another. My Dad and I have only spoken briefly. Is it wrong to hope that it stays this way to the end??? I no longer feel that it is for I have all the family I could ever ask for. Some with me here and some watching from up above.

Thank You all for reading this long vent post it has been a while since I felt this good.