Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Where has time gone?
Everytime I come to this site, it's like I haven't been here in forever. Time flies way too fast. The school year has already started for the '09-'10 year. Johnathan is now in Kindergarten. I actually teared up when I took him in on his first day. He looked like he didn't want me to leave, but he was fine when I did. His teacher is nice. Tiffany is becoming more like me everday. Her attitude couldn't be blamed on anyone else but me. She looks like me now, too. Especially when she is givin you those eyes! LOL Jessie still looks like a mini version of Steve with red hair and blue eyes. She's walking along the couch and tables now. She turns a year old in just 7 weeks. My little baby is gettin older. I'm not sure I want her to grow up!
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Oh...
I just realised I have been using this blog for 3 YEARS now!!! WOW I have never stuck with something online that long...
Some random thoughts
So, we have had a pretty tough week. My husband lost his father, his mother is clueless, and I can see my mother in myself. It's not such a bad thing that I can see her in me, I just know what to watch for now.
My husband's father was a great man. He was portrayed to Steve as being the one who made the decision not to be in his life... But come to find out that may not have been what really happened. Now we will never find out what truly happened back then. My kids will never get to know their grandfather, even though they will know of him. They will learn about him with us. Steve will now get the chance to know his sisters. Only the oldest at first. It is a bittersweet happiness. I'm so glad that I will get to know my sister-in-law; quite frankly I'm glad to say that I have them... Hopefully she will be able to get Steve to know his uncles. They seem to be so nice. Nothing like what has been described to me; An old fashioned Methodist family who would think bad of me for my tattoos. The uncle that I did get to meet, Ron, is a very nice man. Ivan introduced us and he shook my hand and gave me a sweet compliment. When I was watching Jack speak during the service, all I could think of was Steve. I was in complete awe. I was looking at my husband in the future. A kind man who spoke well and loved his family. I just hate the circumstances. I wish we could have gotten to know them without losing Steve Wheeler. The truth will come out about his death. I hope that IF there is anyone involved, that they rot in hell.
Not much more I could say about my MIL. I think Steve put it in the best perspective that anyone could.
Soon we will be moving. Steve needs to be able to get to know his sisters and hopefully the rest of his family. And without someone constantly sticking there nose right in the middle of it and acting like they would have never cared for him if they had known. They were never given the chance to know Steve as part of their family.
My husband's father was a great man. He was portrayed to Steve as being the one who made the decision not to be in his life... But come to find out that may not have been what really happened. Now we will never find out what truly happened back then. My kids will never get to know their grandfather, even though they will know of him. They will learn about him with us. Steve will now get the chance to know his sisters. Only the oldest at first. It is a bittersweet happiness. I'm so glad that I will get to know my sister-in-law; quite frankly I'm glad to say that I have them... Hopefully she will be able to get Steve to know his uncles. They seem to be so nice. Nothing like what has been described to me; An old fashioned Methodist family who would think bad of me for my tattoos. The uncle that I did get to meet, Ron, is a very nice man. Ivan introduced us and he shook my hand and gave me a sweet compliment. When I was watching Jack speak during the service, all I could think of was Steve. I was in complete awe. I was looking at my husband in the future. A kind man who spoke well and loved his family. I just hate the circumstances. I wish we could have gotten to know them without losing Steve Wheeler. The truth will come out about his death. I hope that IF there is anyone involved, that they rot in hell.
Not much more I could say about my MIL. I think Steve put it in the best perspective that anyone could.
Soon we will be moving. Steve needs to be able to get to know his sisters and hopefully the rest of his family. And without someone constantly sticking there nose right in the middle of it and acting like they would have never cared for him if they had known. They were never given the chance to know Steve as part of their family.
Where To Go From Here???
Well if you are able to read this then you already know the truth about me and my family. So how do you forgive someone who lied to you for 23 years about who your father is and has no regret about it?
I feel as if she believes that it is completely okay. I remember growing up when I was told if you tell the truth then you won't get in as much trouble, the same thing that she tells my kids now. Well Mom where in the hell was all that truth that you were talking about for 23 years. Can you say BULLSHIT...There is something that annoys each and every one of us, something that can not be forgiven no matter what the person does or says to make it better. For some it is lying, cheating, being two faced, or whatever else just gets inside of your skin and can't get out. For me this item that can not be forgiven is simple, it is hypocrites. If you tell me not to do something my whole life and that if I do then I will get in more trouble, lose those that are close to me or (insert whatever here) then make sure you are not actively lying every time you open your mouth. And no matter what you believe, not telling the whole truth, IS LYING.
My father died this week in a tragic unforeseeable manner, and you have the fucking nerve to ask me what has been wrong with me all week.
You get upset when I state that you should not come down on a seven year old for feeling worse or better on a daily basis and when i say you are sick every other day. Well sorry but that is what her NANA has taught her that you can feel fine when you want to do something and then get sick ten minutes later when something needs to be done. Even those that are not that close to you see it. I asked a friend of mine who knows my family just out of the blue how many times you had been in the hospital in the past year and he stated3-4 that he could think of off the top of his head, and this is a guy who can not tell you what he did yesterday most of the time. Now take for granted this is not someone that ANY of us talk to all the time just a average friend of the family. Your answer to everything is your having chest pain, well here is an EMT"s opinion. Get the hell off of Xanax you want less money problems become a dealer and sell what you take in an average week and you could easily make 400-500 dollars. Would this look good with your husband being the DA's investigator, probably not but hell everyone wonders how the investigator is married to a pill head who finds reasons to stress out to OD anyway.
I can not handle people who can not handle life as an adult. If you are an alcoholic who wakes up every morning and gets a beer, then oh well that is your bad. BUT if you are one of the alcoholics or pill heads whose addiction is completely based off of the world around you then YOU NEED HELP. It is called REHAB it is where people go that can not take the stress of an everyday life without needing some kind of fix. Whether it be meth, pot, alcohol, or pills (especially narcotics or benzo's) hello this is the same class of drugs that we give people on the ambulances to give them retro grade amnesia or to knock them down to stop fighting us. So if it makes you feel better to tell yourself that you have to take these in order to make it then that is fine just don't look at me whenever your grand kids start to notice that you drool and mumble more and more everyday especially at night after your fix. It has been an ongoing joke and idea to video record you one night when you are stoned out of your mind and show you the next day. But what would it accomplish you would come up with some medical reason that you needed to be that way and your husband would back you. Well God forbid you leave this world before him I hope they don't do an autopsy and find out that you had enough meds in your system to be the Rx for a small third world country. I am sure this would do wonders for the careers of those who stand behind you. I can assure you I for one do not stand behind you.
It is amazing that someone who daily risks there life and limb daily for the community can instantly be ruled "suicide" by the media without a thought and without the facts. When there are those who risk death every time they take enough meds to kill some druggies and it be ruled an accidental overdose when they perish, as I am sure it will be when some close to me move on.
I am so tired of all of this. I found my true family over the past week they are the people in all shades of blue who repeatedly stated "We are here for you and sorry for your loss. We wish we could have told you sooner but it was not our place". Those are the people I will rely on the rest of my life. It is amazing how one death can make you lose so much more than just one life. I was just beginning to get to know him well. Now all I have are the stories of those who are close to me to show me what kind of man he was. I have been told by you repeatedly that I am just like my dad(Ivan), Funny thing is that everyone in my true family of blue tells me I am becoming more like my father everyday, and I could not be happier. I got a hug the other day after a bad wreck from someone who stated that he would be proud looking down on my demeanor on the scene. The same accident I had someone else state that it was funny to have a different Steve looking over his shoulder stating lets do it this way.
The only great thing that came out of this week is I gained a sister Nikki who wants to start hanging out and getting to know one another better. She states that when she looks at me,my personality, and now my career choice all she sees is him and truth be told I could not ever receive a greater complement. I also gained a brother John Davis a great friend of my fathers, a man who wants to get to know me and my children and be part of their lives. He was the last person to get to talk to my father I know how that must eat him up inside, and he knows that he knew my father better than me and how that must make me feel it looks as if it will be a great friendship.
I thank those who's thoughts and prayers were truly with me you are the best family I could ever ask for. Especially seeing as right now I have four:
The Pearces from whom I have most always been an outcast from all but one aunt and uncle and their kids.
The Taylors whom believe that it should not bother me since he was not part of my life because of my moms decision.
The Wheelers most of whom do not know me for who I truly am.
and The family of Blue the ones who will always be there for me no matter what.
As of right now it has been 2 days without my Mom and I speaking a word to one another. My Dad and I have only spoken briefly. Is it wrong to hope that it stays this way to the end??? I no longer feel that it is for I have all the family I could ever ask for. Some with me here and some watching from up above.
Thank You all for reading this long vent post it has been a while since I felt this good.
I feel as if she believes that it is completely okay. I remember growing up when I was told if you tell the truth then you won't get in as much trouble, the same thing that she tells my kids now. Well Mom where in the hell was all that truth that you were talking about for 23 years. Can you say BULLSHIT...There is something that annoys each and every one of us, something that can not be forgiven no matter what the person does or says to make it better. For some it is lying, cheating, being two faced, or whatever else just gets inside of your skin and can't get out. For me this item that can not be forgiven is simple, it is hypocrites. If you tell me not to do something my whole life and that if I do then I will get in more trouble, lose those that are close to me or (insert whatever here) then make sure you are not actively lying every time you open your mouth. And no matter what you believe, not telling the whole truth, IS LYING.
My father died this week in a tragic unforeseeable manner, and you have the fucking nerve to ask me what has been wrong with me all week.
You get upset when I state that you should not come down on a seven year old for feeling worse or better on a daily basis and when i say you are sick every other day. Well sorry but that is what her NANA has taught her that you can feel fine when you want to do something and then get sick ten minutes later when something needs to be done. Even those that are not that close to you see it. I asked a friend of mine who knows my family just out of the blue how many times you had been in the hospital in the past year and he stated3-4 that he could think of off the top of his head, and this is a guy who can not tell you what he did yesterday most of the time. Now take for granted this is not someone that ANY of us talk to all the time just a average friend of the family. Your answer to everything is your having chest pain, well here is an EMT"s opinion. Get the hell off of Xanax you want less money problems become a dealer and sell what you take in an average week and you could easily make 400-500 dollars. Would this look good with your husband being the DA's investigator, probably not but hell everyone wonders how the investigator is married to a pill head who finds reasons to stress out to OD anyway.
I can not handle people who can not handle life as an adult. If you are an alcoholic who wakes up every morning and gets a beer, then oh well that is your bad. BUT if you are one of the alcoholics or pill heads whose addiction is completely based off of the world around you then YOU NEED HELP. It is called REHAB it is where people go that can not take the stress of an everyday life without needing some kind of fix. Whether it be meth, pot, alcohol, or pills (especially narcotics or benzo's) hello this is the same class of drugs that we give people on the ambulances to give them retro grade amnesia or to knock them down to stop fighting us. So if it makes you feel better to tell yourself that you have to take these in order to make it then that is fine just don't look at me whenever your grand kids start to notice that you drool and mumble more and more everyday especially at night after your fix. It has been an ongoing joke and idea to video record you one night when you are stoned out of your mind and show you the next day. But what would it accomplish you would come up with some medical reason that you needed to be that way and your husband would back you. Well God forbid you leave this world before him I hope they don't do an autopsy and find out that you had enough meds in your system to be the Rx for a small third world country. I am sure this would do wonders for the careers of those who stand behind you. I can assure you I for one do not stand behind you.
It is amazing that someone who daily risks there life and limb daily for the community can instantly be ruled "suicide" by the media without a thought and without the facts. When there are those who risk death every time they take enough meds to kill some druggies and it be ruled an accidental overdose when they perish, as I am sure it will be when some close to me move on.
I am so tired of all of this. I found my true family over the past week they are the people in all shades of blue who repeatedly stated "We are here for you and sorry for your loss. We wish we could have told you sooner but it was not our place". Those are the people I will rely on the rest of my life. It is amazing how one death can make you lose so much more than just one life. I was just beginning to get to know him well. Now all I have are the stories of those who are close to me to show me what kind of man he was. I have been told by you repeatedly that I am just like my dad(Ivan), Funny thing is that everyone in my true family of blue tells me I am becoming more like my father everyday, and I could not be happier. I got a hug the other day after a bad wreck from someone who stated that he would be proud looking down on my demeanor on the scene. The same accident I had someone else state that it was funny to have a different Steve looking over his shoulder stating lets do it this way.
The only great thing that came out of this week is I gained a sister Nikki who wants to start hanging out and getting to know one another better. She states that when she looks at me,my personality, and now my career choice all she sees is him and truth be told I could not ever receive a greater complement. I also gained a brother John Davis a great friend of my fathers, a man who wants to get to know me and my children and be part of their lives. He was the last person to get to talk to my father I know how that must eat him up inside, and he knows that he knew my father better than me and how that must make me feel it looks as if it will be a great friendship.
I thank those who's thoughts and prayers were truly with me you are the best family I could ever ask for. Especially seeing as right now I have four:
The Pearces from whom I have most always been an outcast from all but one aunt and uncle and their kids.
The Taylors whom believe that it should not bother me since he was not part of my life because of my moms decision.
The Wheelers most of whom do not know me for who I truly am.
and The family of Blue the ones who will always be there for me no matter what.
As of right now it has been 2 days without my Mom and I speaking a word to one another. My Dad and I have only spoken briefly. Is it wrong to hope that it stays this way to the end??? I no longer feel that it is for I have all the family I could ever ask for. Some with me here and some watching from up above.
Thank You all for reading this long vent post it has been a while since I felt this good.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
He will be missed...
So, all of you know that we have lost someone very important to our family on Monday. We will miss him more than some know. I feel bad because there are only certain people who know why we are mourning the way we are. There are certain people in his family that still do not know. I wish we could be there for them the way that so many of our friends are there for us.
Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers for Steve. He really appreciates them... More than you all know. He has lost someone so dear to him, someone that he was finally getting to know.
I'm sorry... I am at a loss of words now...
Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers for Steve. He really appreciates them... More than you all know. He has lost someone so dear to him, someone that he was finally getting to know.
I'm sorry... I am at a loss of words now...
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Just let go of your frustrations..
This is something that I have always wanted to come easily to me. I seem to get aggravated and sometimes for no apparent reason. It even become rage at times. I need to learn how to just let it go. I just don't think I was ever really taught how to do this. I'm not sure how you'd really go about just letting go. I have tried breathing, but sometimes I don't get the chance to be by myself long enough to breathe them away.
I'm hoping that things will change when we move. I will be closer to a really good friend. One that I should have never let go. But that is what I get for believing other people who did not have my best interest at heart. Trying to keep the peace only got me hurt more in the long run. I seem like such a fool for so many things that happened that year. I should have trusted my gut and let things fall where they were supposed to than try and lay a soft fluffy pillow under them to protect someone other than my self and my friendship. I have no idea why I do that. I always seem to push people away. The ones that I really want around. Steve is the only person that I have managed not push away. BUT, no more. I am going to keep myself from those who I know don't really want me around. It is fine that I do not fit in. I am tired of playing into a role that isn't for me. I am tired of trying to put the square peg into the round hole. I want to be ME. The loud, funny, caring, sexy, country woman that I am.
I'm hoping that things will change when we move. I will be closer to a really good friend. One that I should have never let go. But that is what I get for believing other people who did not have my best interest at heart. Trying to keep the peace only got me hurt more in the long run. I seem like such a fool for so many things that happened that year. I should have trusted my gut and let things fall where they were supposed to than try and lay a soft fluffy pillow under them to protect someone other than my self and my friendship. I have no idea why I do that. I always seem to push people away. The ones that I really want around. Steve is the only person that I have managed not push away. BUT, no more. I am going to keep myself from those who I know don't really want me around. It is fine that I do not fit in. I am tired of playing into a role that isn't for me. I am tired of trying to put the square peg into the round hole. I want to be ME. The loud, funny, caring, sexy, country woman that I am.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
How time flies
This year seems like it took forever during the pregnancy, but now that it is over it seems like it just flew by.
Jessica is now a month old. She is starting to look like a baby now instead of an alien. She hasn't grown in length and has only gained 10 ounces, which puts her at 7.1 pounds. She has developed a small bald spot where her skin has peeled on her forehead. Hopefully it won't take too long to grow back.
Tiffany will be 3 next month. She is growing up to be quite a handful at times. She's learning that not all kids are nice and they will take toys away, hit and just be plain mean. Which in turn she is learning to do the same. The hitting stopped really quick. But, she has learned how to be mean. I'm trying to teach her otherwise, but I can't seem to figure out just how to do it.
Johnathan is getting so big. Soon he will be 5. It is so hard to believe that it has really been that long. He's had perfect attendance this year and he is learning so much.
Well, off I go to pick him up from school.
Jessica is now a month old. She is starting to look like a baby now instead of an alien. She hasn't grown in length and has only gained 10 ounces, which puts her at 7.1 pounds. She has developed a small bald spot where her skin has peeled on her forehead. Hopefully it won't take too long to grow back.
Tiffany will be 3 next month. She is growing up to be quite a handful at times. She's learning that not all kids are nice and they will take toys away, hit and just be plain mean. Which in turn she is learning to do the same. The hitting stopped really quick. But, she has learned how to be mean. I'm trying to teach her otherwise, but I can't seem to figure out just how to do it.
Johnathan is getting so big. Soon he will be 5. It is so hard to believe that it has really been that long. He's had perfect attendance this year and he is learning so much.
Well, off I go to pick him up from school.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
I only thought that I was emotional before!
I never knew that I could have so many good emotions running through my mind! I am so happy now. My family is complete and pretty soon my whole life will be complete. This is one of the best weeks that I have ever had.
It started off wonderfully with the birth of our final little princess, Jessica Grace. I was so nervous that I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't even think straight. I had everything packed for the hospital by the time Steve got home from work... So I thought. On the way to the hospital I realized that I had forgotten the orders for my induction! Of all the things for me to forget to pack! Well, I thought I would save time by calling the doctor's office and have them fax it over to the hospital. Yeah right. I waited for over an hour and they never faxed them. I wasn't upset with them though. It wasn't their fault that I didn't have my orders. So, Steve goes to the house and returns within 20 minutes. I turn them into admitting and off to L&D we go. We get back there and the chastise me for being late! LOL I tell them that I had been up front for the past hour and a half and they understand after that. Well, then they tell me that I am going to have to wait until they get a delivery room available and cleaned up because they were full! It wasn't until just after 2 that I was in my delivery room and hooked up to the IV for pitocin. Labor started pretty quick and the contractions got strong really fast. When I was at 3 cm the nurse went ahead and set me me up for the epidural in hopes that it would relax me enough to relax my cervix, too. Which it did. Right after the epidural I was at 4. At about 6 p.m. she came in to check me again and I was about a 5 1/2 to 6. She really wanted me to deliver on her shift, so she decided that my water would "spontaneously" break while she was checking me. I was laughing so hard because it was like the flood gates opened and it wouldn't stop! She was like "It's coming... It's still coming..." LOL After my water "broke" I was at a 7. My epidural was starting to wear off so they gave me a little more medicine and asked me to start laying on one side for 15 minutes and then switch. They said that this would hopefully "trick" my body and make me dilate more. By shift change at 8 p.m. I was still at a 7 and I had to say goodbye to the day nurse. Which was fine with me, I LOVE the night nurse, Melissa. She is absolutely wonderful! I can't remember if they upped my pitocin then or not but at 9 p.m. I was at 9 1/2 but my cervix still had a thick "lip", that is what Melissa said. The pressure was UNBELIEVABLE!!! It wasn't really pain, but it was extremely uncomfortable. Thank god I had my dad and Steve there to coach me through it. My dad was sitting in front of me when I was on my right side telling me to breath when the contractions were at their peaks, resting his hand on mine while I was grasping the railing, and rubbing the back of my head. Steve was behind me reassuring me that it would all be over soon, rubbing my back and telling me that it wouldn't be long before we had our beautiful angel in our arms. He was right. By 9:30 I had to push. The pressure was unbearable. They called for the nurse and she called Dr.Spooner. He was there within 5 minutes and we started pushing. My Mawmaw and Steve were in the room with me while everyone waited just outside the door. Dr.Spooner put on his gloves and looks at Steve like what are you doing? He asks, "well, are you going to deliver this one? If so, you need to put on your gloves." So, again, Steve got to deliver our little girl. Three or four sets of pushes and she was out at 9:43 p.m. She is so amazing. Weighing in at 6 lbs 7 oz. and 19 1/2 inches long. She has beautiful red hair and looks just like me. You can see just a little bit of Steve, but mainly me. She is so tiny! I bawled like a baby after I had her. Sometimes I just can't take my eyes off of her.
The second thing that I am so happy about is Steve. He has passed his paramedic class and will soon be starting his clinicals. We won't get to see him much, but it will all be worth it when he gets that red patch. I am so proud of him. Finally things are looking up for us.
Tiffany really loves Jessica. She is so excited every single day to help me out and to hold her. The other kids are excited, too. Just not as much as Tiffany. I'm so happy that she isn't jealous. Johnathan doesn't exactly know what to think sometimes, but he is getting used to her being around.
And the final thing that has me beaming ear to ear will probably sound silly to all of you, but my breast milk came in last night. In full force! I have never had that happen before and was starting to think that I wouldn't get even a little in like before. I was able to breastfeed Jessica once in the hospital, but after that it was like nothing would come out. I tried to feed her at the house, but she was getting frustrated like she wasn't getting anything out. I tried massaging them, but nothing. So when I was sitting there watching tv last night I didn't expect my boobs to suddenly start hurting. I felt them and they were engorged! So, now I am both breastfeeding and formula feeding. I am so excited. Now I can be happy about being able to breastfeed and happy that I am not going to leave Steve out of the experience of bonding with Jessica while he feeds her formula.
I have never been so happy. I honestly feel like I have kicked PPD right out of my head. I also feel like myself. During the whole pregnancy I felt like something was off. I finally figured out what it was when Steve and I were in bed the other night. My sex drive. I feel sexy again. Even though I do not have my body back yet, I truely feel sexy.
Now, if my pregnancy brain will just finally go away I will be myself completely again!
It started off wonderfully with the birth of our final little princess, Jessica Grace. I was so nervous that I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't even think straight. I had everything packed for the hospital by the time Steve got home from work... So I thought. On the way to the hospital I realized that I had forgotten the orders for my induction! Of all the things for me to forget to pack! Well, I thought I would save time by calling the doctor's office and have them fax it over to the hospital. Yeah right. I waited for over an hour and they never faxed them. I wasn't upset with them though. It wasn't their fault that I didn't have my orders. So, Steve goes to the house and returns within 20 minutes. I turn them into admitting and off to L&D we go. We get back there and the chastise me for being late! LOL I tell them that I had been up front for the past hour and a half and they understand after that. Well, then they tell me that I am going to have to wait until they get a delivery room available and cleaned up because they were full! It wasn't until just after 2 that I was in my delivery room and hooked up to the IV for pitocin. Labor started pretty quick and the contractions got strong really fast. When I was at 3 cm the nurse went ahead and set me me up for the epidural in hopes that it would relax me enough to relax my cervix, too. Which it did. Right after the epidural I was at 4. At about 6 p.m. she came in to check me again and I was about a 5 1/2 to 6. She really wanted me to deliver on her shift, so she decided that my water would "spontaneously" break while she was checking me. I was laughing so hard because it was like the flood gates opened and it wouldn't stop! She was like "It's coming... It's still coming..." LOL After my water "broke" I was at a 7. My epidural was starting to wear off so they gave me a little more medicine and asked me to start laying on one side for 15 minutes and then switch. They said that this would hopefully "trick" my body and make me dilate more. By shift change at 8 p.m. I was still at a 7 and I had to say goodbye to the day nurse. Which was fine with me, I LOVE the night nurse, Melissa. She is absolutely wonderful! I can't remember if they upped my pitocin then or not but at 9 p.m. I was at 9 1/2 but my cervix still had a thick "lip", that is what Melissa said. The pressure was UNBELIEVABLE!!! It wasn't really pain, but it was extremely uncomfortable. Thank god I had my dad and Steve there to coach me through it. My dad was sitting in front of me when I was on my right side telling me to breath when the contractions were at their peaks, resting his hand on mine while I was grasping the railing, and rubbing the back of my head. Steve was behind me reassuring me that it would all be over soon, rubbing my back and telling me that it wouldn't be long before we had our beautiful angel in our arms. He was right. By 9:30 I had to push. The pressure was unbearable. They called for the nurse and she called Dr.Spooner. He was there within 5 minutes and we started pushing. My Mawmaw and Steve were in the room with me while everyone waited just outside the door. Dr.Spooner put on his gloves and looks at Steve like what are you doing? He asks, "well, are you going to deliver this one? If so, you need to put on your gloves." So, again, Steve got to deliver our little girl. Three or four sets of pushes and she was out at 9:43 p.m. She is so amazing. Weighing in at 6 lbs 7 oz. and 19 1/2 inches long. She has beautiful red hair and looks just like me. You can see just a little bit of Steve, but mainly me. She is so tiny! I bawled like a baby after I had her. Sometimes I just can't take my eyes off of her.
The second thing that I am so happy about is Steve. He has passed his paramedic class and will soon be starting his clinicals. We won't get to see him much, but it will all be worth it when he gets that red patch. I am so proud of him. Finally things are looking up for us.
Tiffany really loves Jessica. She is so excited every single day to help me out and to hold her. The other kids are excited, too. Just not as much as Tiffany. I'm so happy that she isn't jealous. Johnathan doesn't exactly know what to think sometimes, but he is getting used to her being around.
And the final thing that has me beaming ear to ear will probably sound silly to all of you, but my breast milk came in last night. In full force! I have never had that happen before and was starting to think that I wouldn't get even a little in like before. I was able to breastfeed Jessica once in the hospital, but after that it was like nothing would come out. I tried to feed her at the house, but she was getting frustrated like she wasn't getting anything out. I tried massaging them, but nothing. So when I was sitting there watching tv last night I didn't expect my boobs to suddenly start hurting. I felt them and they were engorged! So, now I am both breastfeeding and formula feeding. I am so excited. Now I can be happy about being able to breastfeed and happy that I am not going to leave Steve out of the experience of bonding with Jessica while he feeds her formula.
I have never been so happy. I honestly feel like I have kicked PPD right out of my head. I also feel like myself. During the whole pregnancy I felt like something was off. I finally figured out what it was when Steve and I were in bed the other night. My sex drive. I feel sexy again. Even though I do not have my body back yet, I truely feel sexy.
Now, if my pregnancy brain will just finally go away I will be myself completely again!
Sunday, November 09, 2008
So many emotions!
So, tomorrow is the day. At this time tomorrow I will be in labor for my third and final time. Adding our last little bundle of joy to the Pearce clan. I have so many thoughts running through my mind that sleep is a far away dream. I am so excited that I will finally get to meet her and that I will no longer be pregnant, but I am so nervous to see what happens when I get home. I have no idea how Tiffany is going to react having a new baby around. I'm worried about the stress of a new baby. It is a very stressful time and it can take a toll on anyone. I just want things to be ok and for me to be able to cope with everything. The excitement overrides everything else though. I can't wait. I am so ready to get it all over with! I will post soon, to let everyone know how it's going.
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